Hi, I'm Rachel, mum to Emilie (3 years) and Cadence (1 year) and step-mum to Madison (12 years). I am a FIFO wife in Perth, Western Australia with my husband on a 2-on, 2-off roster.

I have been coping with Post-Natal Anxiety (PNA) and Post-Natal Depression (PND) since the birth of my youngest daughter, Cadence in April 2012. Both Em and Cadie have congenital medical complications which adds another dimension to motherhood. Emilie has severe Laryngomalacia, mild asthma, Type I Laryngeal Cleft, Sensory Processing Disorder (aka Sensory Integration Dysfunction) and moderate Genu Valgus with bilateral femoral anteversion. Cadence has mild Laryngomalacia, Tracheomalacia, Laryngospasm and Gastro-Oesophageal Reflux.

This is my blog, a place where I can vent and create my own therapeutic world. It will not be written chronologically, rather I will add to this blog bit-by-bit with writings about different times in my life. Some will be happy, some will be sad. But ultimately my aim is to unburden myself of any trauma I have experienced in my life so I can get on with being the mummy my kids deserve.



Sunday 29 July 2012

Gotta Start Somewhere...

Here is my first post. Please excuse the primitive language. My brain is mush!!! I have a cloud in my head that stops me from thinking properly. I forget words easily and find it hard to verbalise... things... see what I mean!!!

When I set up this blog I wanted to make it look happy. Hence the bright orange background with hot pink swirly things. That is how I want the inside of me to feel. Bright and swirly. I hope somewhere along my blog journey I end up feeling bright orange and hot pink swirly. I will let you know when that happens. If I were to describe what colour I am right now I would say misty grey and foggy... I also feel a bit like my life is all behind a flyscreen. I can't fully emerge myself into what I'm doing. I feel a little bit separated from it. I feel like it's all just happening around me and I am not a part of it even though I'm desperately trying to control it and so desperate to be a part of the positive things (like my children). I try to play with Emilie and I find I just can't do it. I can't BE there (even though I physically am!) I try to bond with Cadence by cooing at her and waiting for her to coo back, and even though it is an enjoyable part of having a baby, I don't FEEL the enjoyment in my heart like you normally would. I don't feel my spirit lifting. I just. feel. bland.

Then there are the visions. A big part of my anxiety is the visions I have all day, every day. But I will talk about that another time because I have no energy to go into depths right now.

I am currently on a care plan with my obstetrician who delivered Cadence and seeing a clinical psychologist who I will call SB. I will probably talk about that sometime too, just not today.

Ok that's enough, I don't feel like writing any more about this so I will stop. I think that is one big thing about me - writing is very therapeutic for me, I've always been one to keep diaries, but I will always feel obliged to put every single detail down and that tires me out and then I don't feel any better for it. So on this blog I will try to stick to what I feel like writing and that is all.

Signing off. R.
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2 comments:

  1. dlefler29 July 2012 at 06:19

    Writing is therapeutic for me, too, Rachel. Sending you huge hugs - and lots of love from NY!

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    Replies
    1. Rachel5 August 2012 at 09:13

      Thanks Leah.. Please keep in touch now that I am off FB!! I will keep reading your blog xoxo

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